Johnny Red

most of the time
you know
i don't want to
lay across a doorway
yours or anyone
seeing your contempt
fear
revulsion
at a grown man
having pissed and shit
himself
mouth encrusted with
puke
teeth
yellowed
missing
wrapped in newspapers
this is not
the way life started

i just wanted the pain to go
far far away

dreams
man
my dreams would make you laugh
or cry
or certainly spit
smelling year round of sweat and wet cardboard
and urine
having breath that could peel paint
belching beer
eating discarded fried food
living large
hunh?
still
despite the sun
which hurts my eyes
and the noise which makes me
shake
and the heat
which gives me the
yips
Im gonna try
this time
reALLY
SERIOUSLY
RIGHT THIS FUCKING TIME
Im gonna go to those
goddamn meetings with those
people who think they are
so fucking good
and listen and try to stop
not forever
you know
just to get the wrinkles out
just till my check comes
first of the month
closed down the detoxes
been in so many i could be a
tour guide
but I saw
you know who
damn he looked like
you know
like he was clean
he lived in the basement of that
apartment building
for 3 months in the
winter
man
you know the size of them fucking
rats down there
he kept going to those meetings
look AT HIM
NOW I KNOW HE AINT
ANY BETTER'N ME
oh idont know maybe
there really is something to this shit
a a