How then?

I have seen so much misery
at night\between sleep
I see it again
the faces
the sounds
always
the smell
no jasmine nor roses for them

How then
to gauge happiness
so elusive
amidst so much ruin

it falls to my speech
to attempt
to explain
to fight
yes fight
the barren ugliness
with love
my love
for you

How then to
explain how i
have been gifted
to know you
these years
to laugh weep
curse sing pray
make love with you
to taste your sweetness
with every sigh
then wake each morning

how then to explain

I read where
John Keats never
consummated
his love
for dear Fanny Brawne
the act itself would have literally killed him
though I know
for certain
that I would have for you
and would have believed
that I had drawn the fortunate
turn
amidst the beautiful barren
moments of light

J

You came in Turquoise
reflected in a blue pool
as first I saw you
your bathing suit
wrapping your body
a mixture
of
swimmer and
farm girl
looking oddly recognizable
did we meet in a diner somewhere
previously?
instantly you dropped hints
which
in retrospect
I should have noticed
how
your dream was to
be an Israeli ballet dance
which was odd
since you were neither
Jewish
nor a dancer
you were
actually a devout catholic
who loved sex
a swimmer
and an occupational therapist
who was crazy about me
and I failed to notice
all of the words in that sentence
it would be volatile
argumentative
and nasty
then lyrical in bed
soft
so gentle it was crushing
I knew it would end badly
it began over a tea set
escalated from there
i parted with my beloved Indian blanket
friend of cold nights and picnics
as a gift
I thought in my hubris
it would ease the blow
I shake my head at my arrogance
you recovered quicker than I

years later,now married
happily
a word I never associated with you
I received a cryptic postcard
filled with allusions
making sense
only to me
my last contact
it now seems

looking backwards
I know where I had seen you
why you always appeared so familiar
a dream
of sorts
you
are the Angel
that is used
to model headstones